Even "Eric" would serve me well

Did this ages ago then stopped. Awards ceremonies. Every single fucking day there is another different one. At the moment there are 5 stories on the BBC entertainment page about award ceremonies. I think there is a realisation that to stand out from the morass of awards which are now bandied around like a toddlers milkshake, simply announcing "this person won an award" doesn't cut it any more, so the other "award" things which now get coverage include;

Who designed the actual award trophy.
Who decided the winners.
Who is on selection jury.
Who complained about who is on the selection jury.
Who drew up the list the public get to pick from.
Who is hosting the award show.
Who hosted the awards show previously.
Who won't be hosting the award show.
Who is presenting an award.
Who isn't presenting an award.
Who sponsors the award.
Who sponsored the award last year.
Who changed the award categories.
Who complained about the changes to the award categories.
Who promised these changes weren't a sleight but reflected the current climate.
Who has been nominated.
Who hasn't been nominated.
Who was nominated, but withdrew due to who sponsors the award.
Who will win the "Lifetime achievement" award.
Who will present the "Lifetime achievement" award.
Who didn't win the "Lifetime achievement" award.
Who has fans campaigning online for a "Lifetime achievement" award
Who will be showing the awards ceremony.
Who won last year.
Who still hasn't won.
Who was present, even though they weren't nominated.
Who was wearing what.
Yet the most relevant one of all gets ignored.
Who fucking cares?

Welcome To Fear. Part XVI

Death By Exercise

Angry Since 1967 Announces The Perpetual List Of Bands To Hear Next Year

Fifteen entirely invented bands and singers have been named amongst Angry Since 1967s Perpetual List Of Bands To Hear Next Year.

The up-and-coming artists on this year's longlist range from "A Bit 80s Sounding", "We Sound Exactly The Same As An Old Band We Think No-One Remembers" to pop artists "Depressingly Predictable", "If This Doesn't Work I'll Be A Comedian Next. Or An Actor" and dance band "Clichéd, Aul Crap, Cached As A New Dance Sub-Genre".
 
"Bleeding-Edge, Ultra Kewl, Game Changing Producer Whose Name We Can't Say Without Climaxing. Forgotten Next Week", "Angst-y Singer Song Writer (Female)" and "Angst-y Singer Song Writer (Male)" also feature.
 
"Exotic Foreigner" and "Not Very Good, But Jesus! What A Tragic Back Story" have been backed for success after it was decided to straddle them with a suitably emotional and tragic back story, complete with a montage of black and white archive footage, accompanied by a nondescript Sigur Ros track (yes that one). Honestly? I was so touched by the cynicism I cried my lamps out. "A Blatant Clone Of A Currently Successful Artist" and "We'll Be Successful This Time. Promise" have also selected for success. Amongst the others are the runts of the litter "Box Ticked", "Something Faintly World Music-y" and "Token Nod To Metal" appearing just to make the numbers up, and as a vague acknowledgement that 97% of the good music currently produced doesn't fit into the neat little boxes the mainstream media thinks it should.
 
The "taste-maker" behind this selection AS 1967, is a producer*, TV presenter**, newspaper critic***, magazine editor**** and a respected blogger*****. He claimed, after being asked to make up some completely fictional bands, "I'm so fucking cool, which is the point isn't it? I mean this isn't about the music, it's about me proving I have my finger on the pulse. That I'm down with the kids. I mean, even if these bands did exist, what they sound like isn't as important as the image I, and the rest of the people selected for this are trying to portray"
 
When the top five is announced, as none of the bands exist, they won't be featured on the Angry Since website, nor will there be any broadcast sessions or interviews with any of the winners. Or rather there will be. As these identikit bands actually are, to all intents and purposes, "real". The narrow, predictable and pedestrian range of music from which these so called "experts" make their selections never varies, rendering the outcome inevitable. So there's little to be challenged by. Nothing very different. Nothing beyond a safe facsimile of what has gone before. Unending mediocrity lauded with feigned quasi-critical, and as yet unearned, acclaim. 

Next year this will be rebranded the "Whoop-De-Fucking-Do" list, in an attempt to more accurately reflect the levels of excitement and anticipation the announcement generates. 

The Complete List.

• "A Bit 80s Sounding"
• "We Sound Exactly The Same As An Old Band We Think No-One Remembers"  
• "Depressingly Predictable"
• "If This Doesn't Work I'll Be A Comedian Next. Or An Actor" 
• "Clichéd, Aul Crap, Cached As A New Dance Sub-Genre"
• "Bleeding-Edge, Ultra Kewl, Game Changing Producer Whose Name We Can't Say Without Climaxing. Forgotten Next Week" 
• "Angst-y Singer Song Writer (Female)" 
• "Angst-y Singer Song Writer (Male)" 
• "Exotic Foreigner" 
• "Not Very Good, But Jesus! What A Tragic Back Story"  
• "A Blatant Clone Of A Currently Successful Artist"
• "We'll Be Successful This Time. Promise" 
• "Box Ticked"
• "Something Faintly World Music-y" 
• "Token Nod To Metal" 

The final result is expected in January, then repeated verbatim every year until the end of time.
 

*I stood behind a camera in 1990 directing traffic while an acquaintance videoed a concert.
**Appeared on Romper Room in the early 1970s.
***Slagged off TV programmes in a student newspaper many years ago.
****Cut photos out of football magazines in the 1970s
*****If you've read any of this blog, that should be self evident.  

Yes I did post this last year. Which is kinda the point.